Meesh

A Much Needed Download

It’s been sooooooo long since I’ve updated this and its really time for me to do so before I lose it completely. Many of you know that I was in the TJ contest didn’t make the top 5 but I did prove that I could do the damn job. In a way I regret doing it because I lost focus in my classes. Yet on the other hand I got to experience so much stuff and meet great people. So I can say that now I have a general idea of what I want to do with my life and I’m trotting down the right path. So what the fuck do I do now… I got a MTVN job-listing but I’m under qualified for everything! Seriously I can’t even fetch someones coffee without an Associates of Arts degree. (which is what I’m in school for at the moment.)

So I was feeling beyond defeated especially since I may not be able to get financial aid this semester if I get anything lower than an A or B and because my focus slipped I’m positive I’ll be getting C’s. Which means I’ll have to take a semester off because I can’t afford to pay for my classes out of my pocket unless of course I can get a job before then. (working on this)

I was talking to one of my co-workers about it and he said I should try and get an internship and be groomed for positions. Great idea…but I’m in Ohio MTVN does provide internships in various areas but Ohio ain’t one of em! So I thought out of the box with this one…. why not move? Just transfer schools and move to New York. There are several factors keeping me here (lack of money, elderly grandmother, fear) but in the end I’m the only person holding me back.

I went to college late in life because of money issues and those issues still exist. I’m tired of feeling like my life is going nowhere. So I plan to bust my ass I really want to take my classes next semester because I have a class with Alex Papp and he’s fucking brilliant. I’ll just work my ass off on the days where I don’t have class, save up every penny and just do it. I told people about it and they gave me side eye. My aunt’s initial reaction was “NEW YORK? FOR WHAT!?” I cant expect for anyone to understand that I feel depressed and useless right now. Nothing is gonna happen for me if I don’t go out and work for it.

fucking lizard dream

This is my first entry via blackberry! Ok but seriously I had the oddest dream today and I had to blog about it before I lost my mind.

The dream was me being in a house and seeing a lizard big huge fucking lizard. The next thing you know there were tiny blue dots all over the place and they got bigger and turned into lizards. It was hard to get away from them I was trying to step carefully and avoid them but I stepped on a few of them. I finally got to the bathroom thinking I’d just lock myself in there but when I got there it too was filled with lizards and turtles! Not even a realistic turtle either it was a big squirtle looking motherfucker! Whom I might add pissed on me, a big gross stream of urine!

I kept running back and forth through the house squishing lizards under my feet it was never ending. I woke up confused I consulted google about it. So according to google lizards symbolize a problem arriving. While turtles symbolize winning and freedom.

I have so much shit going on in my life that I have no idea what’s going on here. All I know is that the universe is warning me to be on my toes.

Think Happy Thoughts!

Today I came to the realization that my neighbors are awful awful people who just may end up in hell! I don’t really mind them. For all I know they could be lovely people but the fact is my window is located directly over their driveway and sometimes when they pull up blasting their music is makes my spirit weep. The thing is I was masturbating, I was gonna sugar coat everything and make it cute to read but I’m almost 24 I mean really it is what it is. So as I’m about to finish my noisy ass neighbors pull up with the music sky high. WTF! Now it wasn’t the fact that they came in with the music crazy loud that has me pissed off because I could of easily recovered and finished.

The thing is they stood in the driveway and held a conversation with someone I’m guessing they hadn’t seen in a while. I heard every bit of the conversation which made me think “if i can hear them…they can hear me”. That didn’t stop me, at first I felt defeated but I couldn’t live knowing I did all the work with no reward. I couldn’t focus and it seemed like they were outside for fucking ever. They had to be out there for 30 minutes talking so loudly that I’m sure it could be classified as yelling! “yeah they say all of us look like daddy” “yeahhhhhh she look just like him but shes such and such’s baby” -blinks- They have no idea how close they came to meeting their makers today.

In other news! I’m waiting on my grades to be posted today was the day they got turned in. My charger for my laptop is trying to die. As well as my cooling fan and my headphones WHATTHEFUCK!