My life has been busy busy lately, Last week I turned 23, we had a party for me and my sisters I don’t even want to relive the wtfuckery of that day it was good sober fun for what it was worth, check out me talkin about the party with gwanii on our show morning wood!

My lovely bday dollars got me the sims 3 the only downer is i have to replace my graphics card to play it on my desktop which i need to do i don’t like using my laptop for extended amounts of time you know how it is you use them shits for more than an hour and ur legs are on fire! Anyway I’ll be replacing my graphics card hopefully next check I have my eye on this I think its sucky as fuck that I spent almost 13 hundred dollars on this computer and am constantly having shit replaced in it! If you want to see one of my sims just being her fabolously insane self go here (click all sizes for the full pic). I was hella serious about her being insane she walks around talking to herself and shes a kleptomaniac she randomly laughs at nothing shes a riot. I love to make her enteract with ppl she’ll ask them “did u catch anything” and they get offended… GOOD TIMES!, THE BEST!

Next week my bestie Gwanii is coming to Cleveland! I dunno what the hell we’re gonna do, I havent talked to Deon in ages. Minus random replies and mentions on twitter we havent even seen each other this year but he still sees me as his best friend. I just want to know what the business is. It’s not like I’m so damn insignificant that he can’t call me we were friends since 2000! I dunno at first I was sayin well you know I don’t care but damn it I don’t have any friends in Cleveland minus him. At the party everyone was like “Where is Deon” the fuck? in his damn skin I hope because he isn’t in my fuckin pocket! And its not like I’m one of those clingy friends I enjoy my solitude so I know ppl need space but… wtf?

It was in a Tyler Perry movie where I heard him say something like, all your mother was supposed to do was bring u into the world get over it. I was offended as fuck watching that part of the movie. For some reason I couldn’t get over the fact that people think that just poppin a child out of their vag makes them a parent! Bringing life into the world is supposed to be one of the greatests gifts we’re to experience in life. You have this empty vessel that you love and nurture. You watch over them and teach them life lessons and values that will make them wonderful people. In most cases some people just aren’t capable of loving anyone but themselves.

I often blame my parents for alot of shit wrong with my life mostly my anxiety around people. I obsess over the smallest things, stumble over my words, even have an inability to complete my thoughts. Thats actually starting to happen more often these days which is completely embarrassing. It takes some level of hate to raise your hand to a child out of anger, and blind anger at that. Fact is once my grandmother got me I was damaged goods. I understand that the person who loves you and actually takes over the parental role is in fact your parent. But sometimes when I think of myself all I see is that child that no one wanted to love.

So when my sisters confided in me that my mother had been ruining their credit I felt so bad for them. To have your credit nuked before your 16 is bad and here they are 19 ready to go to college lost because they know they wont be able to get apartments without a hassel because our mother ruined them too. For some reason I just knew she wouldnt mess with them. She didnt beat them like she did me. But she played mind games with them. Stole things they bought and pawned them. Cashed their checks got credit cards in their names. Then puts on a show about how she sacrificed so much for them. Had me slightly jealous too! I won’t lie I was jealous because I was thinking they were experiencing something I’d never get to experience which was my mothers affection. I didnt need her to sacrifice anything for me all I wanted was approval. That I was good enough to be considered her child, as pathetic as that may sound I spent most of my life alone trying to figure out what it was about me that she hated. Turns out the only person she cares for is herself and her fool ass husband. We were just part of the failed trap to keep him around.

You can’t treat a child like shit and expect them to come up alright! You can’t steal from them and shiest them over and over again and expect for them to take care of you financially when you’re feeble and on your way to living in a cardboard box! I haven’t even chipped at the iceburg on what I really am feeling right now… I’m honestly just too tired to keep typing.

This isn’t even the blog entry I wanted to write. I wanted to talk about how well my sisters are doing and how they’re getting ready to go to college and about how they were in Ebony magazine and the plain dealer twice this week. However I’m totally annoyed right now and I just cant brag on them right now.

Today we went and got my mom and shopped with her then came home my dad just came over nigga comes in don’t say hi or nothin. Looked at my mom and started arguing with her over a fucking shirt she was wearing talking bout stay out my shit blah blah blah. Shes like dude… this is my shirt u buggin. I politely got my shit and went upstairs because I don’t have to deal with that shit in my living space. This is one of the reasons I’m happy I live with my grandmother because we live so drama free! Only random drama we get is with bj other than that we get along fine I give her her space and vice versa. I’m just mad his rude ass open the door with fuckery. Talking about beatin her ass n shit NO MA’AM NOT IN THIS DANCERY! I wish a nigga wouuullld Chris Brown my momma! No boss! It’s not goin down like that! I don’t even understand why they remarried. I have a few issues with my mom from the past but I do love her and hate to see the two of them together because they arent good for each other.

Almost every time I see her she’s depressed. There comes a point in yourlife where you evaluate your current situation and you say… I love myself far too much to continue to be in this situation. I just need her to open her eyes and see that he’s the root of her problems.